Laughing My Ass Off

I almost died yesterday. The cause of death which would’ve been listed on my death certificate? Death by laughter. That’s right, yesterday I almost died laughing! And during the event, knowing I was quickly passing from this life, I decided that leaving the world in such a fashion wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, even though I’d ideally envisioned coming and going whilst in the the throes of passion, or something akin. But hey, sometimes you don’t get to choose your way out and there I was, on the floor of the movie theater, unable to get my breath, the episode on the screen continuing to get even more ridiculous and hilarious which made my situation all the worse, finally crumpling to the floor of the theater, my vision turning black as night, my body devoid of life giving air, quite literally laughing my ass off and outta here, “poof”! there he goes. What a scene...
The film in question was called, “Kung-Fu Hustle”, a movie I knew little about, but from what I’d seen in televised previews and heard from others who’d already seen it was enough to personally escort my curiosity to the next level of fighting ball busting traffic and plunking down good hard earned money on the chance I’d dig it; tough sell, am I. And since this was the first day I’d had to myself in weeks, and in serious need of a guffaw or three, me and a buddy made plans to catch an afternoon matinee to see what would stick.
We followed through on those plans.
Within a minute or two into the first scene -a Chinese policeman getting a first class ass whipping by a cowboy hat wearing, oriental gang boss who talked some serious ten foot tall, down to the bone, bonafide, shake rattle and roll horseshit- I knew I was in for a different kind of cinema experience. Little did I know...
All I can say is, this is the funniest movie I’ve ever seen in my life. Brilliantly conceived and directed by Stephen Chow. Best casting I’ve ever seen in a film since Fellini in his heyday. And Stephen holds the proud title of being the first director in several decades, since the passing of the infamous Chuck Jones and his team of writers and animators, the team responsible for many of the Warner Cartoons: Bugs Bunny, Sylvester the Cat, Porky Pig, Foghorn Leghorn, Speedy Gonzalez, Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner among his many creations, to accurately and with much aplomb, capture the sidesplitting, slapstick style that many earlier teams made famous; The Three Stooges and Laurel and Hardy immediately springing to mind. No small feat! And it was these short slapstick movies from this bygone era upon which I was raised. Seeing someone getting their nose hairs jerked out, or blown up, or getting their ass kicked and waylaid without dire ramification and horrific reality is just plain out and out funny to me. Politically correct I am not. Never will be courtesy of these characters who gave me the gift of laughter throughout my youth, who still give me a chance to chuckle and howl when on occasion I happen to stumble across an obscure screening of their legendary exploits.
And this movie, “King-Fu Hustle”, finally captured the lost art of slapstick after many had tried and failed miserably over the years. So much so it damn near cost me my life! And I remember, as the world disappeared in a flashbulb, inky blackness, I lay dying a happy man.
Laughter is something in short supply these days. Not much to laugh about when you look at the surface, and God forbid you go under the surface. We live in some mean spirited times, folks. And it doesn’t look to get any better anytime soon. The goons and the loonies have firmly grasped the reins and it is a party at anyone and everyone’s expense, unfortunately.
So, for such a movie to come about, especially one so politically incorrect, and from a Chinaman, no less! was just what the doctor ordered for this kid.
Yeah, as I crumpled to the theater’s floor, time did indeed slow down and I came to the conclusion, riddled with startling clarity as I was as the uncontrollable laughter continued, that if I did die this way, dying laughing, it was all right, not so damn bad in the big scheme of things. And given this life lived, mighty apropos. One could do far worse in this current day and age. Death is far too cheap and easy. Laughter, a priceless commodity. A chance to kiss God’s face. Go down swingin’.
But, somehow catching my breath, my life eventually spared, I was able to catch the rest of the film; an hour and a half well spent with plenty more belly laughs. And because of this unique cinematic experience I especially want to thank those responsible for bringing this film, “Kung-Fu Hustle”, to its fruition; an homage to much of what we’ve lost, to what inspired us back when our country was blooming and thriving.
Inspiration. Something I need and crave.
Laughter, life’s blood.
Hellified combo for a simple afternoon matinee.
Because of my near death I’ve been bathed anew. I am born a child again; courtesy of a movie that let me escape the surly bonds of earth, if only for a little while. Escape that was necessary, to refresh myself for the battles that lay around the corner. Ones I choose to meet head-on, and emerge victorious, should I be so lucky.
Bring it on! saith I.
And if I’m ever fortunate enough to chance upon the opportunity to experience that sort of unbridled laughter again, laughter that may indeed take me from this world, color me all too ready. Considering the myriad of dagnasty, out and out lousy alternatives, what a way to go, eh?
If one should be so lucky...

Testify!

What happened to this once great country of ours? Who’s in charge? And why? It appears we are back in the age of The Inquisition, and we all know how those days turned out. Yep, the extremist religious wack jobs are takin’ another stab at world domination, and they’ve been summarily duped by some folks on high who are having the party of the fucking century... at our expense, unfortunately. And everyone is so smiley happy. So shiny gay. That is, for now. The stooges are all smiles while they strut their stuff and wield their power like a schoolyard bully, but wait until the shit goes down, and trust me, it will.
Let’s take a look at a few sterling examples of The Inquisition in full tilt boogie, shall we?
Once upon a time there was this song that the Four Freshmen made famous in the early sixties. A cutesy, sing along, juvenile mish mash of a song called, “Louie Louie”. A song that would later be immortalized in the film, “The Blues Brothers” where it became a cult, fraternal classic, literally overnight. Well, apparently, there are some in this new era of religious uptightness who deem the song lewd, crude, and socially irresponsible, to the point where in Benton Harbor, Michigan, school superintendent, Paula Downing, decided the local high school band could not perform the song “Louie Louie” in their Blossom Festival Parade because of what she deemed, “raunchy lyrics”. Even though the band wouldn’t be singing the song, only playing the music, she still refused to bend. It was amusing to note that in the 60’s the FBI were called in to investigate the purported, “raunchy” lyrics, and after testing the recording for over two years they deduced that the lyrics were unintelligible at any speed. Yeah, gotta watch out, that song is surely corrupting our youth and will lead to a moral decline that will certainly turn the whole city of Benton Harbor into fornicators and non-tithers. I’d love to look into Paula Downing’s closet.
And then there’s this...
Apparently it was announced yesterday, very quietly might I add, that our government, who in its all knowing, all encompassing wisdom, launched this attack on Iraq to liberate those poor folks -of course!- and in the process we’ve tortured and killed countless thousands over the course of two years -never did find those damned weapons of mass destruction!- has been unable to account for some chump change, our tax dollars at work, that were spent to help rehabilitate them over there. How much did they misplace, you ask? Only a hundred million dollars, give or take a cent or two. Yep, you read that right. One Hundred Million Fucking Dollars!! Lost. Government officials say there was much logistical equipment purchased with the money. Trouble is, they can’t find any of it. They also used it to seed several different philanthropic measures. Trouble is, they can’t account for it. Where has this money gone? They’re just not sure. If you or I had a job and misappropriated one hundred dollars, something tells me we’d be looking for another fucking job. But these forward thinking liberators, doing God’s handiwork, just happened to lose one hundred million of our tax dollars. Oops! Can you say Haliburton?
And just when you think it couldn’t get any more twisted, it was noted in the news today that members of Pastor Chan Chandler’s flock at the East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Carolina were told that if they didn’t support Bush and voted for Kerry, they either had to resign their membership at the church or publicly repent. Immediately. As a result, many of his parishioners picked up and left, unable to abide by his edict. The good Reverend Chandler stands solidly by his demand, guided by the hand of God, no doubt. Now public officials are getting involved to see if the firebrand pastor has broken any laws and as a result, will lose the church’s tax exempt status. If I was attending his church I think I’d be looking to become a Buddhist monk, never to utter another word to any parts of humanity for the rest of my natural born life.
What a great country we live in. At least it was. And to think, I’m a devout follower of God, yet I have much truck with the short sightedness of many of the religious folk who are pushing their beliefs onto others who don’t necessarily believe as they, and as a result of their political pressure and misguidance, are bringing about a most derisive negative shitstorm the likes of which they think they’re impervious; God’s chosen. Oh yea of invincibility, doth yea forget of the humbleness before God which is necessary in finding the path to righteousness?
I believe in educating folks to look at the possibilities of many of God’s works and design, but to force them down people’s throats via politics and law, of which the two are not compatible, is ultimately gonna backfire and set religion back a hundred years or more.
It’s always the same. Anytime man interjects himself into the dogmatic mix it immediately becomes stained and corrupted. Just like what we saw with The Inquisition. Now is no different.
I sit and watch this dog and pony show and I’m far from amused. Saddened, maybe. Madder than a pissed on monkey? Definitely.
God help us all.
And for fuck’s sake, don’t hum “Louie Louie” while walking down Benton Harbor streets. You’ll surely be strung up by an angry mob and burned at the stake on the spot, no judge, no jury.
I know now what Marvin Gaye meant when he sang the words, “Make me wanna hollah...”
The face of dumbass and hysteria has never been pretty.